Random Jokes

[Vaughn]

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, />









Today is Einstein's He would have been />
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in />
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA />
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative />



A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole /> One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,
"Geez, all I can smell />



"A hamburger and fries," a man /> "Me, too," says the ostrich sitting beside /> "That's the waitress The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact /> They return the next Both order a steak and potatoes, and again the man pays with exact /> "How do you do that?" the waitress /> "A genie granted me two wishes," explains the "My first was that I'd always have the right amount of money to pay for /> "Wow, that's great! But what's with the ostrich?"
"My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I />


A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by />
The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a The good news is that you get to choose how you />
The Frenchman says, "I take ze The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself />
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots />
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, There's blood gushing out all over, it's />
The chief is appalled, and asks, "WHAT are you doing?!"

The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, jerk!!!"




A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of He was leavin' a cove well-known for its The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the "I ain't got none of them there You must understand, these here are my pet "Pet fish?" Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let'em swim 'round for Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do />
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Government I'll show It really said the "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?", says the The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden! "What fish?", replied the />
Moral:
Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees!




Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and />
Steve falls off and is killed />
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his />
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do />
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of />
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey />
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's />
She said, 'No, I'm not a />
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you />



Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his />


Q: What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate?
A: Spank his />





A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a />
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing />
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he />
"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any />
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour />



A man is driving down the street and needs a parking He looks up and says, "Lord, if you provide me with
a spot, I'll swear off /> Just then an open space /> The man looks up again and says, "Never mind - found />


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone /> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on Highway Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one It's hundreds of them!"




A woman posts an ad in the news paper that read as follows

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in />
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one The man she met

said, "Hi, I'm I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run />
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"




In an interview about his failed marriage, Paul Mcartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee

Paul said, "I'd prefer it if you called her />



Q: What did the rope say after it got tangled?
A: Oh, no, knot />

Q: What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
A: Wattaaaaaaaaaaaaa!




What do you call a 4'5" psychic who is being wanted by the police?

A small medium at />



A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling /> "What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak /> "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today"

[Vaughn]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the

backside and says: "You're next, />



A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a />
He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Los I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for


Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his />
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming I want to see how you live on $800 a

[derlich]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the

backside and says: "You're next, />



A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a />
He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Los I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for


Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his />
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming I want to see how you live on $800 a really like the second

[Vaughn]

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his />


There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them No pun in ten />


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'She's a "
"That sounds like Tom Jones /> "Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not />




A jumper cable walks into a The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start />

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a />

A man walks into a bar with a slab fo asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the />




An older married couple was sitting on their porch swing one Suddenly, the old woman hauls off and slaps the old man's face nearly knocking him out of the />
He said, "What was that for???"

She replied, "For being a lousy lover for 45 years!!"

He sat quietly for a moment and then suddenly slapped the old woman nearly knocking her out of the porch />
The old woman said, "What was THAT for?"

The old man replied, "That is for knowing the DIFFERENCE!!"



Osama bin Laden was kicking around some rubble left over from the latest bombing, and found a copper jug with a wax He pried off the plug and out popped a female genie; "How may I serve you, Master?" she /> Osama was not "Don't need anything from a female!" he said, /> "But Master, I MUST do SOMETHING for you, or I have to go back into confinement! Please! Isn't there anything I can get you?"
"All right!" snapped Osama churlishly, "Tomorrow morning, I want to find three American women in bed with me, ready to do what they do best! Now, get lost!"
"Your wish is my command!" said the genie (miffed), and /> The next morning when Osama woke up, he had Lorena Bobbit, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton in bed with him; his penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no Medical />




A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American />
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for />
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little />
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of />
I don't think you Do either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need />
I What are your relations like?

All my relations still in />
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD />
Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before />
Is your wife a nagger?

No, she />
Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill />
What makes you think that?

I got />
What kind of proof?

She going to poison She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[Vaughn]

A couple is lying in bed when the woman turns to the man and says, “I am going to make you the happiest man in the /> The man replies, “I’ll miss />


A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother “It is not />
“Ok,” the little girl “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your />
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to />
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her />
“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers It is like a report card—it has everything on Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you You are />
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 The mother is past surprise and shocked

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a />
“Oh really?” the mother “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in />


A married man goes out for a pack of cigarettes one night, and, since the store was closed and the next closest place open was a bar, he decides to go in and have a After a couple of beers, a young blonde sits down beside The two start talking, and end up leaving />
After a long night of sex the man looks at the clock and says, “Oh, my God! My wife is gonna kill me! Quick: Do you have any baby powder?”

“Baby powder?” the woman “Yes, />
The man spreads the powder all over his hands, and drives />
When he gets home, his wife asks, “Where have you been?”

He proceeds to tell her about the blonde and the long night of />
“You expect me to believe that?” she “Let me see your />
As he puts out his hands, she says, “You liar! You’ve been out with your friends all night bowling again!”



A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of />
After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot’s room and says “Well, I’ve got good news and bad />
The carrot says, “Give me the good news first, />
The doctor says, “The good news is you’re gonna />
“And the bad news?” asks the />
“The bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your />


A man walks into a bar, puts his head down on the table, and immediately starts />
The bartender sees the man and asks him, “What’s the matter, buddy?”

The man replies, “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for a />
The bartender responds, “That sounds bad and all but it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

The man lifts his head and says, “Yes it is—today is the last />


A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?”

She quickly replies, />
So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”

Astounded by the question she says, “Of course What kind of woman do you think I am?”

He says, “Well we’ve already determined Now I’m just working on a />



A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary and a local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy />
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the />
“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack We hadn’t gone too far when my husband’s mule My husband quietly said, ‘That’s

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled My husband quietly said, ‘That’s />
We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot />
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s />


A young man is walking through his apartment lobby when he bumps into a gorgeous woman wearing a very loosely tied />
She begins flirting with him, and after a minute she places her hand on his chest and says, “Let’s go to my I hear someone

He follows her into her apartment, and once inside she immediately slips off her

“Tell me,” she purrs, “what do you think is my best feature?”

“Um, I guess that would be your ears,” he replies

“My ears?” she “How can you possibly think that the best part of this body is my ears?”

“Well,” he stammers, “back in the hall when you said you heard someone coming? That was />


A redneck is walking down the road one day when he sees his cousin coming toward him carrying a />
“Hey there, Billy Ray,” says the “Whatcha got there?”

“Some chickens,” replies the />
“If I kin guess how many you got, kin I have one?”

“Shoot, if you guess right, I’ll give you both of />



A man walks into a pet store and tells the clerk he wants to buy a new />
“This is going to sound crazy,” says the clerk, “but I have a frog that gives great blow />
The man thinks it sounds a little weird but decides to buy the frog and find out for />
When he gets home he puts the frog on the kitchen table and snaps his The frog jumps into his lap and gives him the best head of his />
“Honey, come in here!” he “I have to show you />
His wife walks into the room and sees what the frog is />
“That’s sick,” she “Why the hell are you showing me this?”

“Why?” the man says “If my mom can teach it how to cook and clean, I'm filing for a divorce!”



A kindergarten teacher gives her class an assignment to draw a picture of someone they />
“What a great picture,” she says to one little “Who is it?”

“That’s my dad,” he says />
“Tell me more about your father,” the teacher “What’s he like?”

The kid “Beer and />


A woman asks her husband, “Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?”

“Of course not,” he “I’d love you no matter who left you the />


After pulling over a speeding driver, a police officer continues with the usual procedure, asking the driver for his />
“I don’t have one,” the driver answers, “I had it suspended when I got my 5th
“May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?” the officer then /> “It’s not my car,” the driver responds, “I stole /> The confused officer then asks, “The car is stolen?”
“That’s right,” says the “But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in />
“You’re telling me there’s a gun in the glove box?” the officer />
“Yes sir,” the driver “That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the />
“There’s a body in the trunk?!?” the amazed officer /> Still straight faced, the driver answers, “Yes, /> Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his Numerous other cops show up for back up and the captain slowly approaches the driver to handle this tense />
The Captain then approaches, “Sir, can I see your license?”

“Here you go officer,” the driver says calmly as he hands him a legit />
“Who’s car is this?” the Captain /> “It’s mine, Here’s the owner’s papers,” the driver answers while handing him a valid registration in his />
“Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?” the Captain /> “Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it,” the driver Sure enough, there is nothing in the glove />
The Captain then asks, “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there’s a body in /> “No problem,” the driver says before opening the trunk, which is also />
“I don’t understand it,” the Captain “The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the />
“Yeah,” the driver “And I’ll bet you the lying sonovabitch told you I was speeding, too!”



An airplane takes off from the The captain is Jewish and the first officer is It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get />
After 30 minutes, the Jewish captain mutters, “I don’t like />
The first officer replies, “You no rike Chinese? Why dat?”

“You bombed Pearl That’s why I don’t like />
“No, no, Japanese bomb Peahl Hahbah, not />
“Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it doesn’t They’re all />
Another 30 minutes of Finally the first officer says, “No rike />
“Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

“Jews sink />
“No, The Jews didn’t sink the It was an />
“Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no All />


An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a rural She gestures several times to the bartender, but he ignores She disappears for several minutes, returns to the bar, and blows him a This time he rushes />
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his />
“Actually, no,” the bartender />
“Can you get him for me?” she asks, running her hands through his />
“I’m afraid I He’s not here,” the bartender “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there I need you to give him a message,” she continues, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them />
“What should I tell him?” he manages to />
“Tell him,” she whispers, “that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies’ />


An Iraqi soldier buys a camel, ties it up outside his local bar, and walks />
“Nice camel,” says one of his “Is it male or female?”

“Female,” he />
“How can you tell?” asks his />
“Well, on the way over here,” the man explains, “I heard this American soldier yell, ‘Hey, look at the big pussy on that camel!’ "



An unemployed piano player walks into a piano bar and starts The manager runs up to him and says he’s never heard anything quite like />
“Thanks,” says the pianist, who launches into another “I call that one ‘I Wanna Suck Your This one’s called ‘Screwing a Bag />
“Tell you what,” says the “Come by tonight and we’ll see how it Just don’t go announcing the names of your />
That night the pianist shows up and quickly gets the place After playing for an hour, he excuses himself and goes to the When he returns, a hush falls over the As he prepares to begin playing, one of the customers leans over to him and says, “Hey, Do you know your schlong is hanging out of your zipper?”

“Know it?” exclaims the pianist “I wrote it!”



An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one />
An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti />
An East Indian swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey—is that God’s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the East Indian orders Him a bottle of />
As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a />
Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian’s humpback straightens, and he does a />
Just then the East Indian yells, "Don’t you dare touch me! I’m drawing disability!"




An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, “When I am gone I want you to marry Fred
“Why Fred Uhland?” his wife “You have hated him all of your life!”

“Still do,” gasped the old />



An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class:
“There are two things you need to succeed in medical First, you must have no Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked “Now you must do the same,” he told the

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as

“Second,” the professor continued, “You must have an acute sense of For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?”




An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous />
The teller said, />
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Americans, too!”

[Vaughn]

A man visits his doctor and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?"
When the patient becomes naked from the waist down, the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that but I'm
afraid I'm going to have to report you to the />


Bigamy is having one wife too Some say monogamy is the />

Women are just like cartons of orange juice,
Its not the shape or size that matters,
Or even how sweet the juice is,
Its getting those fucking flaps />


What's slippery, lives in the sea and loves Dean Martin?
That's a Moray!







What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're />


Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are />
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled

[Vaughn]

I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a "I had sex with another woman last night," I told "But I was thinking of you the whole
"You miss me that much?" she
"No," I "But it kept me from coming too />


A guy gets pulled over by a cop for As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"
"Yes" replies the
The guy then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"
"Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"



What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get />


Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, they wont take it up the ass cause it />


A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help My fee is eighty dollars an
She says, "How much for all night?"



I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Excuse me sir, whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"



So this guy goes into a Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his
The hooker almost faints, for the guy has an 18 inch She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that! I don't need to pay for something I can very well do />


I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a /> So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall, all the while yelling, "Die, Princess Di !"



"When the fight is over, Ricky pleases himself Then, when he's fed up of that, he pleases himself physically and I think they both go hand in -- Boxer Ricky Hatton's diet trainer, Kerry Kayes



I bought a teddy bear for ten Named it I just sold it on Ebay for twenty, and now I got the Sudanese Muslims after me for making a prophet out of a />

[Chimp]

very nice list

[village1diot]

Saint George

President George Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll />
His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a />
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do />
Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:

"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence />
He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American />
He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and
making the United States the most hated country on />
He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane />
He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a
greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the />
He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot />
The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of trillion />
Gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and />
Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from religious />
He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but compared to Dick />
George Bush is a

[adminone]

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub and orders a A young lad walks in a few minutes later and sits near the farmer and also orders a />
The farmer turns to the lad and says, "Ya see that stone wall out in the field there? Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the stones with me shovel, and stacked them But do they call me 'McGregor the Stone-Wall Builder?' />
He gulps down the beer and orders "And do see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me own two hands, Drove the posts with a sledge hammer all by But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' />
He takes another swallow from the glass and continues, "And take this bar your leanin' against, all square and Smooth as a baby's backside, it I built this bar with me own two But do they call me 'McGregor the carpenter?' Noooooo…?"


"But ya fuck one

[rust]

A little girl goes up to her mum in the kitchen and says that she has learnt how grown ups make 'Really', says mum smiling slightly, 'and how is that?' 'Well' says the little girl, 'first mummy and daddy take off all their clothes, and then daddies willie stands Then mummy gets down on her knees and takes daddies willie in her mouth and sucks until daddy spurts stuff and things, and mummy swallows this and then has a baby in her belly!'
'That is not quite right darling ', says the mother, 'that isn't how one gets babies, that is how one gets jewellery!'

[pwalt45]

The onset of dementia does have some quite beautiful moments of humor!

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Wallace, was living in a nursing />
One day he appeared to be very sad and />
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said />
'My Private Part died today, and I am very />
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Please accept my />
The following day, Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his />
He met Nurse Wallace,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like Please put your Private Part back inside your />
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part />
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love />
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the />


IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

[pwalt45]

A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'
She simply replied, 'No peer


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
I have bouts with dementia and poor />
I can hardly feel my hands and feet
I can't remember if I'm 85 or
Have lost all my But, thank God,
I still have my driver's


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
I decided to take an aerobics class for
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'


My memory's not as sharp as it used to
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, For fast


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

[derlich]

[spike70]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to
Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large />
The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young
lady to entertain />
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she sits on his />
He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady
to entertain the />
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she sits on his />
He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,
"No!" and walks quickly />
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has
asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do
with />
She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola,
will />
Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything
would surprise />
So the madam sends her over to />
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she sits on his />
He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY,
BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and />
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing
like this in all her years of operating a />
She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time,
but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask />
She just has to find out what this man wants that has
made her girls so />
Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in
the house and is />
She sits and talks with They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits in his />
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear,

"Can I pay in Euros?"