Some Irish jokes

One of the great things about being Irish is our sense of humour and how we laugh at ourselves and never complain about the jokes being told about us...............so here are a few



Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'









An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?''Just water,' says the
priest.The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'The priest looks at
the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'



Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up,
pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his
butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full
box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each
place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
shuffled and stumbled his way to b ed. In the morning, Flynn woke up
with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from
across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't
you?'Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?''Well,' Mary said, 'it
could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom
of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the
house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those
Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.







Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go
to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish
Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Paddy looked up again
and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Irish guy walking down the street sees a sandwich with two wires sticking out.

He phones the police to report it and the policeman asks "Is it tickin'?"

Irish guy says "No, I think it's beef"... #-o

Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman in Beijing for the Olympics, but they can't get into the stadium because they haven't got tickets.
So the Englishman strips down to his boxershorts and T shirt, picks up a scaffold pole and walks up to the gate and says, ' Smith, England, polevault.' The guard looks at him and nods and lets him in. So the Scotsman strips down too, picks up a car hubcap, and goes up to the gate and says, 'MacGregor, Scotland, discus.' He too is let in. Then the Irishman strips down, picks up two wooden poles and a role of chicken wire, walks up to the gate and says, ' Murphy, Ireland, fencing!'

i tried & tried to find the video to post but i couldn't find it, but...
does anyone remember the episode of family guy titled 'Peter's Two Dads" where peter found out his real father was irish & lived in ireland? he flew there & when the plane landed the entire tarmac was covered in beer bottles! even if you hadn't seen it but heard the sound of the plane landing & pushing aside thousands of bottles it would have made you laugh. :laughing5: **** Dead Image$hack Link ****

I do a lot of work in Ireland and love the place.. I have to agree with the thread initiator and Moderator Gazo... No one tells an Irish Joke like an Irishman.

Have you heard of the Irishman who went to blow up a car??? He burned his lips on the tail pipe. :)

The latest technological advances in Ireland has brought us the best military advanced equipment... The Irish Parachute that lands a man quicker than the conventional chute... it opens on impact...

New Irish Helicopter that comes with its own ejection seat...

And the latest and greatest still in testing is the Irish Mortar .. as soon as they can figure out how to keep the concrete from jamming the firing mechanism ...... nevermind. :)

Jacko

one more...

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am.”


So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”
The drunk answers, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

jacko

Have to add a couple more...

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

The police came to Paddys door last night holding a picture of his wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, Paddy answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
Paddy said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me, I know this face, but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard ... it's me!"

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe.


Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing
them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"


Thats all for now..

Jacko

And the best Irish joke, is one that's true