One more while the board is down
A compilation of statements from actual school papers:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a
female moth.
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his sons head.
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a
great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they
all shouted 'hurrah.'
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot
clipper.
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic
couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from
the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity
by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided
against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half
English. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died from this.
18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-
Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.
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