NORTHERNERS TERRIFIED OF TOILET PAPER, SAYS STUDY

From The Daily Mash

PEOPLE in the north of England refuse to use to toilet paper believing it will steal their soul, according to new research.

Scientists say the fear of toilet paper means their hands gradually become covered in faecal matter until they look like they are wearing a pair of brown suede gloves.

When this is combined with the Northerners long-held fear of soap the result is a public transport system teeming with exotic diseases and reeking of undiluted human waste.
Ministers are now warning of a cholera outbreak on the Newcastle Metro system unless someone is able to convince the local population that Andrex is not a manifestation of the evil god 'Pazuzu'.

Bill McKay, a retired engineer from North Shields, said: "Everyone knows your soul lives just inside your bumshaft and that it loves the taste of toilet paper.

"My uncle Jim used toilet paper once. Overnight he turned into a zombie and went to live in Gateshead. He died 30 years later."

Mr McKay added: "Back Pazuzu! I do renounce thee! Thou will not tempt me with thy three layers of demonic quiltiness!"

A department of health spokesman said: "We're producing a DVD showing how toilet paper is made, including the use of sustainable forests, the bleaching process, the perforations between each sheet and even how they get it all onto the roll.

"At each stage we will have an interview with a reputable scientist pointing out the absence of soul-hungry demons"