Random Jokes

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."




Q. What''s the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!





Today is Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.




A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and
says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,
"Geez, all I can smell is....MOLASSES."




"A hamburger and fries," a man orders.
"Me, too," says the ostrich sitting beside him.
"That's $9.40," the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.
They return the next day. Both order a steak and potatoes, and again the man pays with exact change.
"How do you do that?" the waitress asks.
"A genie granted me two wishes," explains the man. "My first was that I'd always have the right amount of money to pay for anything."
"Wow, that's great! But what's with the ostrich?"
"My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."



A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, "WHAT are you doing?!"

The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, jerk!!!"




A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works." "O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?", says the redneck. The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden! "What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral:
Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees!




Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."




Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.



Q: What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate?
A: Spank his monkey.



Q. What kind of bees make the best milk?
A. Boo-bees!



A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."




A man is driving down the street and needs a parking place. He looks up and says, "Lord, if you provide me with
a spot, I'll swear off booze."
Just then an open space appears.
The man looks up again and says, "Never mind - found one."



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"




A woman posts an ad in the news paper that read as follows

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met

said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"




In an interview about his failed marriage, Paul Mcartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee
again.

Paul said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."




Q: What did the rope say after it got tangled?
A: Oh, no, knot again.


Q: What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
A: Wattaaaaaaaaaaaaa!




What do you call a 4'5" psychic who is being wanted by the police?

A small medium at large.




A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today"

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the

backside and says: "You're next, fatty."




A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Los Angeles. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for

free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Vaughn

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the

backside and says: "You're next, fatty."




A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Los Angeles. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for

free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

---

I really like the second one. :laughing5:

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.



There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



"Doc, I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady'. "
"That sounds like Tom Jones Sydrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."





A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


A man walks into a bar with a slab fo asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."





An older married couple was sitting on their porch swing one afternoon. Suddenly, the old woman hauls off and slaps the old man's face nearly knocking him out of the swing.

He said, "What was that for???"

She replied, "For being a lousy lover for 45 years!!"

He sat quietly for a moment and then suddenly slapped the old woman nearly knocking her out of the porch swing.

The old woman said, "What was THAT for?"

The old man replied, "That is for knowing the DIFFERENCE!!"



Osama bin Laden was kicking around some rubble left over from the latest bombing, and found a copper jug with a wax plug. He pried off the plug and out popped a female genie; "How may I serve you, Master?" she inquired.
Osama was not impressed. "Don't need anything from a female!" he said, churlishly.
"But Master, I MUST do SOMETHING for you, or I have to go back into confinement! Please! Isn't there anything I can get you?"
"All right!" snapped Osama churlishly, "Tomorrow morning, I want to find three American women in bed with me, ready to do what they do best! Now, get lost!"
"Your wish is my command!" said the genie (miffed), and vanished.
The next morning when Osama woke up, he had Lorena Bobbit, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton in bed with him; his penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no Medical Insurance.





A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

A couple is lying in bed when the woman turns to the man and says, “I am going to make you the happiest man in the world.”
The man replies, “I’ll miss you.”



A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”



A married man goes out for a pack of cigarettes one night, and, since the store was closed and the next closest place open was a bar, he decides to go in and have a drink. After a couple of beers, a young blonde sits down beside him. The two start talking, and end up leaving together.

After a long night of sex the man looks at the clock and says, “Oh, my God! My wife is gonna kill me! Quick: Do you have any baby powder?”

“Baby powder?” the woman asks. “Yes, here.”

The man spreads the powder all over his hands, and drives home.

When he gets home, his wife asks, “Where have you been?”

He proceeds to tell her about the blonde and the long night of sex.

“You expect me to believe that?” she says. “Let me see your hands.”

As he puts out his hands, she says, “You liar! You’ve been out with your friends all night bowling again!”



A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car. He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.

After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot’s room and says “Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The carrot says, “Give me the good news first, doc.”

The doctor says, “The good news is you’re gonna live.”

“And the bad news?” asks the carrot.

“The bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life.“



A man walks into a bar, puts his head down on the table, and immediately starts crying.

The bartender sees the man and asks him, “What’s the matter, buddy?”

The man replies, “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for a week.”

The bartender responds, “That sounds bad and all but it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

The man lifts his head and says, “Yes it is—today is the last day.”



A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?”

She quickly replies, “Yes.”

So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”

Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?”

He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on a price.”




A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary and a local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the lady.

“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my husband’s mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. My husband quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’



A young man is walking through his apartment lobby when he bumps into a gorgeous woman wearing a very loosely tied robe.

She begins flirting with him, and after a minute she places her hand on his chest and says, “Let’s go to my place. I hear someone coming.”

He follows her into her apartment, and once inside she immediately slips off her robe.

“Tell me,” she purrs, “what do you think is my best feature?”

“Um, I guess that would be your ears,” he replies nervously.

“My ears?” she says. “How can you possibly think that the best part of this body is my ears?”

“Well,” he stammers, “back in the hall when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”



A redneck is walking down the road one day when he sees his cousin coming toward him carrying a gunnysack.

“Hey there, Billy Ray,” says the redneck. “Whatcha got there?”

“Some chickens,” replies the cousin.

“If I kin guess how many you got, kin I have one?”

“Shoot, if you guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”

“OK…five.”



A man walks into a pet store and tells the clerk he wants to buy a new pet.

“This is going to sound crazy,” says the clerk, “but I have a frog that gives great blow jobs.”

The man thinks it sounds a little weird but decides to buy the frog and find out for himself.

When he gets home he puts the frog on the kitchen table and snaps his fingers. The frog jumps into his lap and gives him the best head of his life.

“Honey, come in here!” he shouts. “I have to show you something.”

His wife walks into the room and sees what the frog is doing.

“That’s sick,” she says. “Why the hell are you showing me this?”

“Why?” the man says incredulously. “If my mom can teach it how to cook and clean, I'm filing for a divorce!”



A kindergarten teacher gives her class an assignment to draw a picture of someone they admire.

“What a great picture,” she says to one little boy. “Who is it?”

“That’s my dad,” he says proudly.

“Tell me more about your father,” the teacher says. “What’s he like?”

The kid shrugs. “Beer and pussy.”



A woman asks her husband, “Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?”

“Of course not,” he says. “I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”



After pulling over a speeding driver, a police officer continues with the usual procedure, asking the driver for his license.

“I don’t have one,” the driver answers, “I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
“May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?” the officer then asks.
“It’s not my car,” the driver responds, “I stole it.”
The confused officer then asks, “The car is stolen?”
“That’s right,” says the driver. “But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”

“You’re telling me there’s a gun in the glove box?” the officer says.

“Yes sir,” the driver continues. “That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”

“There’s a body in the trunk?!?” the amazed officer asks.
Still straight faced, the driver answers, “Yes, sir.”
Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. Numerous other cops show up for back up and the captain slowly approaches the driver to handle this tense situation.

The Captain then approaches, “Sir, can I see your license?”

“Here you go officer,” the driver says calmly as he hands him a legit ID.

“Who’s car is this?” the Captain asks.
“It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s papers,” the driver answers while handing him a valid registration in his name.

“Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?” the Captain continues.
“Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it,” the driver responds. Sure enough, there is nothing in the glove box.

The Captain then asks, “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there’s a body in it.”
“No problem,” the driver says before opening the trunk, which is also empty.

“I don’t understand it,” the Captain says. “The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” the driver says. “And I’ll bet you the lying sonovabitch told you I was speeding, too!”



An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along.

After 30 minutes, the Jewish captain mutters, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The first officer replies, “You no rike Chinese? Why dat?”

“You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

“No, no, Japanese bomb Peahl Hahbah, not Chinese.”

“Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it doesn’t matter. They’re all alike.”

Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the first officer says, “No rike Jews.”

“Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

“Jews sink Titanic.”

“No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All arike.”



An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a rural tavern. She gestures several times to the bartender, but he ignores her. She disappears for several minutes, returns to the bar, and blows him a kiss. This time he rushes over.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face.

“Actually, no,” the bartender smiles.

“Can you get him for me?” she asks, running her hands through his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t. He’s not here,” the bartender sighs. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” he manages to ask.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies’ room.”



An Iraqi soldier buys a camel, ties it up outside his local bar, and walks inside.

“Nice camel,” says one of his buddies. “Is it male or female?”

“Female,” he replies.

“How can you tell?” asks his friend.

“Well, on the way over here,” the man explains, “I heard this American soldier yell, ‘Hey, look at the big pussy on that camel!’ "



An unemployed piano player walks into a piano bar and starts jamming. The manager runs up to him and says he’s never heard anything quite like it.

“Thanks,” says the pianist, who launches into another song. “I call that one ‘I Wanna Suck Your Titties.’ This one’s called ‘Screwing a Bag Lady.’”

“Tell you what,” says the manager. “Come by tonight and we’ll see how it goes. Just don’t go announcing the names of your songs.”

That night the pianist shows up and quickly gets the place rocking. After playing for an hour, he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. When he returns, a hush falls over the crowd. As he prepares to begin playing, one of the customers leans over to him and says, “Hey, buddy. Do you know your schlong is hanging out of your zipper?”

“Know it?” exclaims the pianist excitedly. “I wrote it!”



An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

An East Indian swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey—is that God’s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the East Indian orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian’s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the East Indian yells, "Don’t you dare touch me! I’m drawing disability!"




An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, “When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland.”
“Why Fred Uhland?” his wife asked. “You have hated him all of your life!”

“Still do,” gasped the old man.




An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class:
“There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

“Second,” the professor continued, “You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?”




An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Americans, too!”

A man visits his doctor and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?"
When the patient becomes naked from the waist down, the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm
afraid I'm going to have to report you to the SPCA."



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.


Women are just like cartons of orange juice,
Its not the shape or size that matters,
Or even how sweet the juice is,
Its getting those fucking flaps open.



What's slippery, lives in the sea and loves Dean Martin?
That's a Moray!



Q. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?

A. Because it's fucking close to water.



What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.



Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone.

So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."
"You miss me that much?" she asked.
"No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."



A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"
"Yes" replies the cop.
The guy then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"
"No." replies the cop.
"Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"



What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get old.



Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise...and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.



A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"



I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Excuse me sir, whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"



So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints, for the guy has an 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that! I don't need to pay for something I can very well do myself."



I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'.
So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall, all the while yelling, "Die, Princess Di !"



"When the fight is over, Ricky pleases himself mentally. Then, when he's fed up of that, he pleases himself physically and I think they both go hand in hand." -- Boxer Ricky Hatton's diet trainer, Kerry Kayes



I bought a teddy bear for ten quid. Named it Allah. I just sold it on Ebay for twenty, and now I got the Sudanese Muslims after me for making a prophet out of a teddy.



Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "/ ooooooh/"and " /aaaaaaah/"?
A. About three inches.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

very nice list

Saint George

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings.

His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it."

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:

"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and
making the United States the most hated country on earth.

He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina.

He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a
greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.

The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars.

Gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney...

George W. Bush is a saint."

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub and orders a beer. A young lad walks in a few minutes later and sits near the farmer and also orders a beer.

The farmer turns to the lad and says, "Ya see that stone wall out in the field there? Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the stones with me shovel, and stacked them maself. But do they call me 'McGregor the Stone-Wall Builder?' Noooooooo..."

He gulps down the beer and orders another. "And do see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me own two hands, too. Drove the posts with a sledge hammer all by maself. But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' Noooooooo..."

He takes another swallow from the glass and continues, "And take this bar your leanin' against, all square and true. Smooth as a baby's backside, it is. I built this bar with me own two hands. But do they call me 'McGregor the carpenter?' Noooooo…?"


"But ya fuck one goat....."

A little girl goes up to her mum in the kitchen and says that she has learnt how grown ups make babies. 'Really', says mum smiling slightly, 'and how is that?' 'Well' says the little girl, 'first mummy and daddy take off all their clothes, and then daddies willie stands up. Then mummy gets down on her knees and takes daddies willie in her mouth and sucks until daddy spurts stuff and things, and mummy swallows this and then has a baby in her belly!'
'That is not quite right darling ', says the mother, 'that isn't how one gets babies, that is how one gets jewellery!'

The onset of dementia does have some quite beautiful moments of humor!

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.
I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia and poor circulation.

I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 86.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to
Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young
lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she sits on his lap.

He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady
to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she sits on his lap.

He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,
"No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has
asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do
with him.

She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola,
will do.

Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything
would surprise her.

So the madam sends her over to Hans.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she sits on his lap.

He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY,
BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing
like this in all her years of operating a brothel.

She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time,
but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for.

She just has to find out what this man wants that has
made her girls so angry.

Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a
lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in
the house and is available.

She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear,

"Can I pay in Euros?"