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WWE Raw TV report
by Justin Shapiro
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening, you've seen that seeing is etc etc. Todd Martin was sent home, so I'm going to fill in for him.
Date: 4/30/07 from Nashville, Tenn.
"More than at any point in several years, the company seems more in a 'wrestling' mindset. If history is any indication, I'd say enjoy it while you can because wrestling is always changing."
- David A. Meltzer of the San Jose, Calif.-based Wrestling Observer Newsletter
The Big News: The Great Khali laid out Shawn Michaels, Edge, Randy Orton, and John Cena, setting him up as the apparent next title challenger.
Other News, Concerning Men Of Normal Size: Ken Kennedy announced he would be using his Money in the Bank title shot at Wrestlemania 24.
Turns: Carlito turned on Ric Flair. It probably could've gone better for him.
Match Results: Edge beat Randy Orton; Jeff Hardy beat Johnny Nitro; Ric Flair & Carlito stopped wrestling World's Greatest Tag Team; Candice Michelle & Mickie James beat Victoria & Melina
Cold open with John Cena running into the do-rag'd Mr. McMahon, each with a belt ashoulder. Vince: "Wassup homes? Peace out! The champ is here." Last night, he "served" Bobby Lashley, and the new ECW champion is Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the king of extreme. Cena calls him a stooge in a do-rag, which seems to wound Vince, who mentions something about "his bruthas Cryme Tyme." Shawn Michaels shows up and double-takes Vince. He tells Cena that John keeps lucking out and he wants another title shot, tonight. They agree, which Vince of course kiboshes because heel authority matchmakers hate matches. He books Michaels/Cena in a non-title, and if Shawn wins he gets his title shot. "Peace out, my brothers." Well, white people hilariously talking like black people is probably my #1 comedy pet peeve, but this gets a pass because it's Vince. And he managed to not use the n-word this time, so clearly this is the classier WWE Mick Foley was talking about.
EDGE (w/o Randy Orton) vs. RANDY ORTON (w/o Edge)
This is the make-up from last week's match being bumped. Edge heels on Orton, running away from him. Then Orton heels on Edge, thumbing him in the eye. He delivers the Orton Stomp Legend Kicker, then shoulderblocks Edge off the apron, knocking him into the railing.
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Back, and they recreate the spot from their 2004 matches where Orton is on the apron and Edge spears him in the back, sending him flying. This time Orton lands on and in fact bounces over the announcers' table. Yowza. "Randy" chants as Edge gets the heat. They trade nearfalls off their signature spots and Edge removes the turnbuckle pad. Orton with punches in the corner, but Edge drops him on the 'buckle and Orton comes up bleeding (seemingly for realzies). Crowd very much into Randy Orton as a babyface, which meant bad things for both the crowd and Orton last time around.
Each guy tries for a rollup and each gets caught with his feet on the ropes. Edge blocks the RKO and hits the Impaler, 1 2 no! Orton leapfrogs the spear and Edge hits the corner. Orton goes for the RKO, but gets shoved off. He stops himself from running into the exposed turnbuckle, but turns around into a spear. 123. Splendid match, as these two always work well together, and Edge is apparently a great enough heel that he can make people love Randy Orton.
60 minutes, 15 seconds is the official time of last week's Cena/Michaels match in Pontiac Silverdome years. Replay of the finish. I can't wait until this match happens again tonight and if anything should cause it to not take place, why, I'ma be so sad.
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Todd Grisham interviews Santino Marella at ... somewhere comfortable. Perhaps Todd's apartment. Santino, eh, he only speaka somea da English. He canna believe he's ahere! He canna believe it happen. He givesa thanks to "Roberto Lashley." His father, he was crying. His mother, she aso scared. His brothers and sisters, they stay up all night and drink wine. What about el hijo del Santino? Next aweek, his afirst title defense.
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This WWE.com Exclusive interview is no longer so exclusive. Rob Van Dam reacts to Vince's title win. He says Vince tried to erase extreme memories and replace them with his vision, and that this is truly a day of loss for the spirit of the original ECW. I dunno, weren't the last two ECW title changes also rather against the spirit of the original ECW?
Backstage, Shane asks Vince if he can hold the belt. Vince says maybe later. RVD has "gotten his craw." He wants Shane to oversee Umaga destroying Van Dam. Shane says he's already spoken with Umaga and he's on board. I'm sure that was some conversation. Vince thanks Shane for helping him last night. Shane puts him arm around Vince. "I love you, Dad." HUG! Vince is touched, which is to say literally touched by a family member and therefore ill at ease. Ultimately, he lets Shane hold the belt.
Maria introduces The Edge in her SMOKER'S VOICE. I seen the pictures. Edge calls her a bimbo. He is angry because he didn't lose at Backlash. Tonight he intends to force himself back into the championship picture.
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Last night, the Hardy Adults successfully retained against the Cow Boyz.
JEFF HARDY (w/o Matt) vs. JOHNNY NITRO (w/o Melina) (w/o Mercury) (w/o Mick Foley program)
Finally, the match I've been waiting for. Cade and Murdoch join us on commentary, espousing sportsmanship and wanting to earn a rematch. Cade calls Jeff Hardy "QUICKER THAN A RASCAL." Cade: "We had an awful time keeping him down last night." Murdoch: "An awful time." Jeff backdrops Nitro off the top rope and hits the Swanton, 123. The C.M. punks stand and applaud his victory. Cade takes the mic and announces Jeff as the winner. They want to shake his hand, but he's wary and won't do it. :(
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Recap of Lashley vs. McMaga and Vince's celebratory celebration.
Shane McMahon comes out and introduces Umaga. "Here Comes The Money" is very thematically similar to Trump's entrance music. I can't believe it's been fifteen years since Nineteen Naughty-Two, or whatever year in the early Naughties that that dropped.
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UMAGA (w/o Armando) vs. ROB VAN DAM (w/o Alfonso)
Estrada is still missing after Lashley gave him the heave-ho, in a very rare bit of long-term selling. I hope Shane is out here to resume his scrapped 2001 program with RVD over who is the most exciting athlete in the Alliance. Umaga dominates until Rob gets a sleeper of hope. They work the sleeper forever until Umaga dumps him over the top. He follows to the floor, where Rob re-applies the sleeper. But Umaga won't Go 2 Sleep and instead rolls forward, slamming Rob into the steps. Van Dam beats the countout, avoids an avalanche, and makes a comeback. He knocks Umaga down with a Rider kick, hits the Rolling Thunder, kick out at 1. Five Star Frog Splash hits(?), but upon landing, Umaga grabs him by the throat, stands him up, and hits the Samoan Spike. 123. Well. I'm not sure I understand the physics behind that. I guess Rob didn't get ... full extension!!! But that was decent. Vince comes out afterwards to pose with the belt.
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For fuck's sake, Cowboy Troy is here.
Backstage, Ric Flair makes coffee. Coffee is instant, and so is Ric Flair. Carlito and Torrie come over, and Carlito apologizes for last week. He says he got them a match against Haas and Benjamin so he can prove to Ric that he's a winner. Torrie asks Carlito if this is a good idea. Carlito says he knows what he's doing. Keep that in mind.
SHAWN MICHAELS (w/o Shawn Michaels) vs.
Hold the telephone, we cut to the back and find Shawn unconscious backstage. With the telltale sign of Rated RKO dirty work -- ear bleeding.
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We're back with assorted medical professionals as well as Val "you know something, ladies, the Big Valbowski is a lot like an Oral Surgeon, blah blah blah" Venis, attending to HBK. Coach accuses Cena of doing this, and Cena shoves him up against the wall. Vince wants to know what happened, and Coach says he's on the case.
CARIBBEAN FLAIR (w/ Torrie) vs. THE SELF-PROCLAIMED WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM
Sign: Condemned To Home Video. Haha. Heat on Carlito, "We Want Flair" chants. Shelton and Carlito mistime a toss in the air dropkick spot. Tag to Flair, crowd very much approves. He runs wild, but Carlito clotheslines him, crowd very much disapproves. Torrie is appalled. Flair rakes his eyes and Carlito has snapped gives up and walks away. Flair jumps him on the ramp and they brawl. Carlito keeps trying to leave and Flair keeps going after him. Well then. For a guy who said he knew what he was doing, Carlito didn't really think that out too well. He'd have been better off turning on Chloe, but she'd probably make her own comeback too.
Backstage, Coach finds Edge laid out. Oops, there goes his #1 suspect. But what does this new evidence suggest ... ah. Ah ha. Coach, having seen the thousands of procedurals that air on this network, knows that he needs one more wrongly accused before the hour's up. Find him RANDY ORTON.
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A look at The Condemned. Haha, "Scott Wiper."
Mr. Kennedy is out, what in tarnation. This isn't Friday Night Smackdown on The CW Network and I'm not Steve Khan and it's not almost time for Real Time with Bill Maher. Kennedy denies responsibility for the attacks via O.J. Simpson references. This isn't Nineteen Naughty Four and I'm not Judge Lance Ito. Kennedy thinks that the way Edge used his Money in the Bank title shot was untoward, so he's going to be up front about it: he'll be cashing in at Wrestlemania 24. Start the countdown, roll the WM Recalls with Shawn on the zipline and Andre choking the guy from Mr. Belvadere.
Backstage, Coach finds Kenny Dykstra, in gigantic shorts, tending to Orton. Oh shit, Great Khali did it. Oh shit, how can I prove that I guessed that ahead of time? Oh shit, I can't. Seriously, though, you guys. I Khal'd it.
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Vince tells Coach that he's cracked the case. Apparently via ... guessing. He tells him to send Cena to the ring to find out what's up. Vince should've worn a Sherlock Holmes hat instead of the 'rag.
Fruity Delicious Delicious Fruity Fruity Fruity Skittles.
MELINA and VICTORIA vs. MICKIE JAMES and CANDICE MICHELLE
Seeing Victoria and Candice attempt to synch in with the Melina and Mickie entrances, respectively, was amusing. Of all the models hired in '04-05, I would not have banked on Candice turning into the best worker. Melina and Victoria go for a double suplex on Candice, but Mickie kicks Melina to break it up and Candice small packages Victoria, 123. How come they can't have a Jack Doane and a Ken Doane, but there's allowed to be a Candice Michelle and a Michelle McCool? And shame on them for hiding her full name, Michelle McCool-Alexander, and sabotaging my awesome joke about how I'm totally getting into MMA, if you know what I'm saying.
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More reactions from the ECW Originals after Vince's win last night. Sandman says the thought of it makes him want to puke and that Vince urinated on all of professional wrestling. Tommy Dreamer says he broke his neck, broke his back, met his wife, had his kids because of ECW. Now he doesn't know what the hell he believes in anymore. Sabu says "...!" and throws a ladder against the wall.
Cena is out and he wants answers. Well I want a forensics show with Coach and the New Breed solving crimes and Paul Bearer as the coroner. Anyway, whoever want some is told to come get some.
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The Great Khali want some. Aw heck.
Cena, demonstrating more guts than brains (interestingly, this also occurred in a case on Coach's show), goes right after Khali in the aisle, but that doesn't go so well. Khali throws him back in the ring and tosses him around. Khali goes for the chop, which Cena blocks and then lifts him up in the FU in a great spot, but Khali elbows out and chokeslams him. He puts a foot on Cena's chest and poses with the belt.
