Funny stories

[butler bill]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !






'WE HAVEN'T EVEN

SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............. ..........................
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...

Sounds to me like she's ....... !
......been ......sweeping around!!!






xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx





Why wedding dresses are white....
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies: ' WHITE '. He does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[vdat100]

i love it, you got a groan from me for sure

[butler bill]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
Director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no
Family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
The Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
Typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
Late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
Nowhere in sight.

"There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
Like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together.. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
Tanks for twenty years."

[butler bill]

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[MARKK]

ALL CREDITS TO ISPUD

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replid, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
*** Link removed. Host not allowed ***

[butler bill]

Victoria 's Secret

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's
so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed.

[butler bill]

HAPPY EASTER! I'M SURE THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.




He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, over and over again until he is out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..


(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)


(Last chance)









(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

[spike70]

Ive wasted several minutes of my life reading that

[echoes]

HAPPY EASTER! I'M SURE THIS IS A TRUE STORY....

this seems to the type of sense of humor that people get/appreciate when they get older, hence i'm dubbing it "old peoples' sense of humor".

still funny in its own way though.

[butler bill]

"old peoples' sense of humor".

I'm old...so

[butler bill]

Beware….
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the Mc Don ald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. LOL

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
And ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
The counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
But they only had iceburg lettuce..
-- From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer inWichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

;
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us .... And they VOTE and REPRODUCE!

[gryphondo]

They walk among us .... And they VOTE and REPRODUCE!

Indeed they do. Scary!

[robn1]

I don't know if I should laugh or run an hide.

[butler bill]

Ray was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[butler bill]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.