Stupid People

[Gazo]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)


Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homosexuals..

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)


Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:
France .

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris .



THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party..





BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then..


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.



RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. ... ....

Richard:
He makes bread . . ..

Contestant:
Er .. ........

Richard:
He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant:
Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona .

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ...



NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific..



ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:
Japan .

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:
Er ............ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland ?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..

Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er... ..... ...

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor ..

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . ..

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ...

Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia..

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:
Jewish.

Presenter:
That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.

[Turtle]

Great stuff Gaz - reminds me of:
The funniest and best list of Family Fortunes answers.

Contestants from the ITV (UK) Family Fortunes game-show are asked to guess the most popular answers to questions posed in a survey. Some of these 'Family Misfortunes' answers are actually very witty and not as daft as they are often made out to be. Some also result from slightly mis-hearing or misunderstanding the question. Some of the funny answers actually appear in the survey results. The 'Feet' answer below is apparently one such example.

Whatever, the funny answers from Family Fortunes are some of the funniest things you will ever read, and strangely the amusement doesn't seem to dim, no matter how many times you revisit them.

Family Fortunes, and the 'Family Misfortunes' spin-off show featuring the funny answers, still run on TV and the show remains a rich source of hilariously funny answers like these below.

Send your own favourite Family Fortunes answers.



family fortunes answers
An animal you cannot fit into a Mini car: "Mouse.."

A food that has one or more holes in it: "Spaghetti.." (Anthony Costa was no doubt thinking of Spaghetti Hoops. The delightful Costa family also produced the 'cotton wool' answer below.)

Something made of wool: "Cotton wool.."

An animal with three letters: "Lion.."

A bad place to fall asleep: "Concrete.."

A French ferry port: "Dover.."

Something you mount: "A mountain.."

Something you lose when you get older: "Your purse.."

A sport which involves throwing something: "Tennis.."

A type of bean: "Lesbian.." (This and the one above were the product of Brian Dowling's fertile imagination, on a celebrity edition of the show, in which the 'purse' answer also arose.)

Something you would play with in the bath: "A bazooka.."

Someone you wouldn't swear in front of: "Yourself.."

A country where Arabic is spoken: "Nigeria.."

Someone or something whose existence has never been proven: "Hitler.."

A number you might have to memorise: "Seven.."

Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."

Something that comes in pairs: "Rabbits.."

A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.."

A Boy's name beginning with the letter J: "Gerald.."

An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."

A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."

A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."

An animal with horns: "A bee..."

A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."

Something made of wool: "A sheep.." (Interestingly when this question appeared again in a show aired in November 2009, the 'sheep' answer was second most popular among the public surveyed - perhaps influenced by seeing this daft answer so many times over the years.)

Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."

Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."

Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."

Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."

A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."

A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."

A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")

Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."

Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."

A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."

A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."

A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."

Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."

A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."

A yellow fruit: "Orange.."

An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."

Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."

A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."

Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."

Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."

A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."

Something you beat: "An apple.."

Something associated with rain: "Water.."

An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."

Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."

A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."

A popular TV soap: "Dove.."

Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."

Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."

Something a Frenchman would say: "On Garde.."

A fast animal: "A hippo.."

Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."

Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."

A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."

Something that has a shell: "Batman.."

Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."

Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."

Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."

A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."

A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."

An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."

A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."

An animal with big ears: "A bear.."

Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."

A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."

Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."

A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."

Something you pull: "A potato.."

An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."

A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."

A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."

A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."

Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."

A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."

Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."

Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."

A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."

A type of record: "A floppy disk.."

A type of large cat: "Persian.."

A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."

Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."

An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."

A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."

Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."

A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."

A game played in the dark: "Charades.."

Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."

A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."

A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."

Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."

A famous royal: "Mail.."

Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."

An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."

An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."

Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."

A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."

One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."

A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."

The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."

Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."

A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."

A type of cut: "Skull.."

A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."

Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."

A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."

An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."

Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."

A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."

A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."

An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."

Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."

Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."

A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."

A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."

A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."

Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."

Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."

Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."

A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."

Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."

A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."

A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."

A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."

Something red: "My cardigan.."

A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."

Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

Something with a hole in it: "A window.."

Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."

Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."

A domestic animal: "A leopard.."

Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."

Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."

Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."

The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."

Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."

[Gazo]

so many beauties there turtle

[echoes]

a few i laughed at most or thought were the funniest:

Something you would play with in the bath: "A bazooka.."

Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

from the original post the "Goosey" Gandhi one probably made me laugh the most.