Very bad puns

[butler bill]

Very bad puns

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

[spike70]

Nice one Bill

[butler bill]

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[Turtle]

Groan!

[echoes]

Groan!

Yeah, I read the first five or so and couldn't bring myself to read the rest.

[Turtle]

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when the pilot noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with a machine gunner on board.

Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.

I thought; “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.

"Yes it is" I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..


Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer.

Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, Face down on the floor. Dead!

At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes...............

Then a moment of pure inspiration........

....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !

. . . . . . . . . . . . .


Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"

"I did once & he looked really angry."

"Why angry?"

Because he was watching through the window.!

. . . . . . . . . . . . .


Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa... Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!

. . . . . . . . . . . .


Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs,

I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .


The government has announced that for the new school curriculum,

boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.

The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


I was walking past a block of flats this morning.

One of the tenants was leaning over the balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted, “What’s up, Abdul, can’t you get it started?”

[cheeky_munky]

What's a wombat for?

Playing wom...

[Turtle]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12.. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

[butler bill]

*** Dead Link ***

[cheeky_munky]

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish?'

[cheeky_munky]

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The barman says 'Is this some kind of joke?'

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who can swim? Clever Dick.

I'm sorry for those, they really are bad!!

[butler bill]

I'm sorry for those, they really are bad!!

Indeed